|letting myself play, letting myself be seen|
Before my little excursion to Portland for the World Domination Summit, my spirit was feeling a bit shakey and my presence a bit strained. I needed rest. I needed recharging. I needed revival. (9 weeks on the road can have that kind of effect.)
I needed to be all the way myself. And then all the way seen. And then all the way loved.
Usually I get stuck at need #1: Be All The Way Myself.
But this past weekend (and for the past few weeks on the road) I've been noticing my true self shining through in places where I normally wouldn't: stating my true opinions to complete strangers, leaving when I'm bored, stopping to pick the flowers without any hesitation, offering tears in public, playing ukulele as I walk the city street... There's a way that living on my bike and having no community to which I can "go home and be myself" has forced me to be myself wherever I am.
I feel relieved and joyful about that... like the way it feels to meet a kindred spirit or lounge with an old friend. Anything goes. Everything's okay. We will laugh and we will cry. We will be fully seen and loved.
Which reminds me of one night in Washington, DC, when I was with my best friend, Jodi, in her magically lit bedroom, crying and talking about whatever was aching in our dear hearts. We went all the way to the bottom of our saddness together--all the way to the mystery and the unknown and the pain. We looked deeply, with compassion, into each other's swelling eyes, until we finally let go into laughter. And then we lifted her guitar from the wall hook on which it was resting, and we sang like complete fools in our worst elementary school voices. We sang silly songs and sad songs and love songs and heartbreak songs as BADLY AS WE POSSIBLY COULD. (Screaming, shakey falcetto, yodelling... we did it all.) We bounced ourselves into oblivion, before we tired ourselves out like toddlers, and I finally made my way home... Enlivened, hopeful and filled with an inexplicable sence of calm.
This was the peak experience I shared with Kelly Rae Roberts during Jen & Andrea's incredible house-shaking Mondo Beyondo presentation at WDS. It left me with the words, "all the way happy" & "all the way sad" written on either arm, and "love for love" written on my chest, right next to my colorful heart necklace.
I realize now that being seen and being loved... all the way... are dependent on owning my selfhood.
Looking back, it turns out that all of my fondest, dearest memories were from times when I was most myself. By which I mean, times when I was doing what enlivened my mind and body and heart. By which I mean, times when I broke the rules that insulted my values and let my deepest motivation be love.
Who do you get to be when you're owning your selfhood? When love is your motivating force?
The peak experience excercise is a great way of getting underneath your core values. (Just think back to one of your most enlivening memories & pull out how you felt and what made that experience special.) I'd love it if you shared your story in the comments below! (WDS attendees & otherwise!)
Seeing you and loving you for every glimpse of truth that you reveal. Believing that your story is a clue to all the goodness that's coming your way...
so much love,
PS--a sincere, deep THANK YOU to all the beautiful souls who attended WDS. Feeling shifted in quiet profound ways. And definitely feeling seen & loved! ;-)